Xan Spanking New

2009-12-29T21:41:00.000-08:00

Holidays are hard on everyone it seems, and this year, the holidays were very hard on my backside! Stress tends to cause me to fly off the handle at anyone around. And, lately, the person who's been around the most has been Bo. He doesn't take kindly to my witchy ways anymore, and, as i found out, holidays are no exception.

Christmas Day was wonderful overall. Our daughter loved her gifts, we talked to family and friends, and capped the night off at the movies. But I had been surpressing the angst of the holiday preparations and finally just had a meltdown after our daughter was in bed. I had so many things on my mind and just couldn't get them out in a respectful manner. So, out came the paddle. And down came my pajama pants. Bo almost always spanks OTK as he did this time. We were in the living room to be away from our daughter's room. The sofa is great for sitting on, but upended with my head almost touching the floor, I was wishing we were snuggling instead. My feet were cold, but soon my butt was very warm. That paddle causes a fierce sting and a bit of a thud as well.

Honestly, I was not only resigned to what was happening, but I was glad. Yes, glad. Bo was continuing to be consistent, even on holidays, and I knew I had been wrong. I need the accountability and the released guilt afterward. We did end up cuddling on the sofa a little later, and ,once again, DD helped bring peace back to our home.

Consistency

2009-12-23T11:16:00.000-08:00

Happy Holidays everyone!

Recently, I posted on a message board a question about a gift for Christmas to celebrate our first year as a DD couple. There were several suggestions, many hilarious. I'm still working on Bo's gift, but he has already given me mine. No, it wasn't wrapped, and he probably doesn't know how much I cherish it. He's given me the gift of consistency.

In the earlier days of DD, we both struggled with who should do what and when. It almost seemed like we were playing a game at first. Over the last few months, that has morphed in to an understanding of what domestic discipline is for us. First of all, I asked for it because of my need for accountability and my anger issues. Those were affecting my family in a very negative way. Soon after we started DD, we both saw major benefits, not just for us as individuals, but for us as a family. Now, when Bo has that look and the paddle comes out, I know he means it. He's not likely to back down, forget or claim he's too tired. We both know that consistency is keeping our family running smoothly. Who could ask for a better gift?

reminders

2009-11-08T10:42:00.000-08:00

No, it's not what you think!

I have to keep reminding myself that DD is not an exact science. Sometimes, Bo and I are on the same page with DD, and sometimes we aren't. And then there are those in-between times, like now. For various reasons, DD just isn't happening right now. We've all been sick and slightly cranky (o.k., very cranky!), so I'm getting a pass for being disrespectful. But, this is where DD gets tricky. Although I really have come to dread the actual spanking, I know that it works for us. At times, I want nothing more than to get out of a spanking, but, almost inevitably, those free passes catch up with me!

It's hard to explain to those who aren't wired this way, but getting out of trouble, especially a punishment spanking, can make me feel out of sorts. At first, there is a general sense of relief, but, soon after, I usually end up feeling upset. All sorts of things go through my mind...is Bo tired of DD? Is he fed up with me in general? Does he just not think DD is important to our relationship any more? Eventually, we will have time to talk and sort out these feelings. But these times of waiting are just hard.

2009-11-02T17:37:00.000-08:00

Bo and I had a real breakthrough a few nights ago. I was upset with myself for yelling at my daughter and just in general being a not so nice person to my family. Bo warned me that we would discuss it later, but, usually, if he isn't able to take care of it right away, he would forget later on. And, although I could remind him of it, I really didn't want to have to. It felt like he had no real role in DD other than swinging the implement. So, this night, I sort of assumed would be like the others. Our daughter went to sleep surprisingly early, Bo was reading in the bedroom, and I was on the computer. I decided to go say goodnight to Bo, and he kissed me and said, with a very serious voice, "You need a spanking." He even told me to go get our new implement, a scraper, courtesy of a friend. I still wasn't sure he would go through with it, but he just reminded me of why he was spanking, pulled me over his lap and got on with it. That scraper was a lot heavier than I thought it would be and left a sting as well as a thuddy feeling. While I wasn't thrilled with being spanked, even though I knew I deserved it, I was really happy that Bo not only remembered, but followed through. Little by little, we are growing in our DD relationship, and we both feel more secure and less unsure about where to go from here. I'm so proud of him!

Ups and Downs

2009-10-23T19:10:00.000-07:00

I got a spanking a couple of nights ago because I just couldn't keep my mouth shut. Bo was really angry, but because our daughter was still up, he was forced to wait a while. Usually, that curbs most of his anger. He'll still spank, but we talk it out and everything is good again. This time, he was still really angry, and this was one of the hardest spankings he's done. Now. that's not the problem. I fully admit that I was being a real witch that night. If he hadn't spanked, I would have worried that he was ready to give up DD altogether. But, there was a problem...we didn't reconnect that night. For the first time, I felt alone and sad after a spanking. His anger was not gone either. There was no "I forgive you." It wasn't the first time I had wondered if DD was really going to work for us.

And then a new day dawned. And a new me and a new Bo. No, we didn't immediately talk things out. Things were still uneasy between us all night. But, in the morning, we were ready to talk, to listen, to forgive. Real domestic discipline isn't like a story. Sometimes, it's ugly, and difficult and scary. But, we have a real marriage now. We do take care of issues, get them out of the way, talk more and love each other for who we are. Finally, DD seems like a very real part of our lives.

2009-10-18T08:07:00.001-07:00

I've been thinking about how glad I am to have a husband who is willing to be the head of our household. There is a sense of order and calm around our house that did not exist for most of our marriage. Our daughter has noticed it too. Like most kids, she really wants a sense of order and boundaries. Perhaps it seems strange, but we do not use spanking as discipline for our daughter. She responds well to time outs and limits on her computer and t.v. time. And now, she knows we will be consistent with her limits and boundaries.

In the early years of our marriage, I was the one who ran the show in our house. And I was miserable, and so was Bo and so was our daughter. I really didn't want the responsibility of being in charge of everything. For a long time, I felt like our family would collapse if I didn't handle it all. DD has helped us all see that we are all needed in the family. We all have roles and responsibilities. Now, when my stress level gets high, and I start back into the "take control" mode, Bo has an effective tool to help me deal with the pressures of life. I can't say that I enjoy the punishment part of DD, but I'm so glad we have the life we do now. No way do I want to be totally in control ever again!

2009-10-17T13:25:00.000-07:00

Well, I found out what the loopy Johnny is like. I hate that thing! In fact, right now, it's hidden in a cabinet.

Last weekend, my attitude really got me in trouble. Bo decided it would be the perfect time to try our new implement. Since it was going to be a punishment spanking, I didn't want to try it. Bo was careful with it, but, boy, does that thing sting. For the first time during a spanking, I jumped off Bo's lap. I really didn't think I could handle that thing! We did finish the spanking, and Bo was not using much force at all, but I would be very happy if our new "toy" disappeared forever! Bo thinks it is the perfect implement for punishments because it is so obvious that I hate it. So, it's probably here to stay. I'll definitely think twice about buying a new implement in the future.

2009-10-05T18:07:00.000-07:00

It's been quite a while since I've written anything. Bo and I have settled into our DD lifestyle pretty quickly, so much so, that I am still amazed that it is going so well in most respects. I even got up the nerve to order our first implement, a loopy john. Now, I'm wondering if that was a mistake! We do need a quiet implement though with a little one in the house.

Lately, I've been wondering how "normal" our style of DD is. We don't plan out punishments days in advance. In fact, when I earn a punishment, it is usually dealt with very quickly. Bo does not like a disrespectful attitude, and that is, by far, my biggest problem. If the little one is outside or not around, Bo will take me in the bedroom, yank those pants down and have at it. Sometimes, I barely have a moment to realize what is happening. And, that can be frightening. I wish, sometimes, that I could prepare for a punishment. I will have to say, though, that the grab and spank has been pretty effective in curtailing my disrespect!

Feeling secure

2009-07-18T23:13:00.000-07:00

It seems the lately, I had been so ambivalent about DD. I had reached a place where I honestly wasn't sure that i wanted Bo to be the HOH in our relationship. I mean, what about times when i disagreed with his decisions? Yes, I think I was naive about DD at first. Because I had been used to controlling our relationship through tantrums and manipulations, I unconsciously assumed that I could control DD that way, too. I say unconsciously, because I didn't think that far ahead when I first brought domestic discipline up to Bo. After the initial shock that he accepted DD in our marriage, the hard part began. Bo actually began to act like a HOH! He was taking DD and his role as the leader of our family wayyyy too seriously for my liking! Now, it's not that i thought of DD as a game, but I guess because it was my idea, I sort of assumed I would be the one to run the show. Yes, I know that is contrary to the idea of DD and following your husband as the head of the household. I guess it took a while for me to understand that there are things in DD that aren't negotiable, and our family is better off because of this!

The first time I got a spanking that I really didn't want is a vivid memory and will probably remain so. In the first few months, I was thrilled anytime Bo agreed to spank me. It seemed like our DD relationship was taking such a long time to get into. Well, about 6 weeks ago, Bo made it clear that he would spank when he thought it necessary, even if I wasn't in the mood, so to speak. I had been irritable and disrespectful that day. He definitely had reason to spank, but I just fought it. Bo, to his credit, didn't give in. He held me down and delivered a few swats until I calmed down enough so we could talk. At the end, I accepted a spanking from him because I knew i had been wrong. It was such a breakthrough to realize that even when I made DD difficult that Bo wasn't going to back down. We're in it for the long haul, and I feel so blessed!

Trouble?

2009-06-15T18:14:00.000-07:00

Well, I finally had enough and let my temper get the best of me in an argument with Bo. I still don't get how he can be so calm and cool while we are arguing, and I get louder and harsher by the minute. it only took a couple of misplaced and disrespectful comments for Bo to proclaim, "just wait until tonight"!

Luckily, the argument blew over fairly quickly, and we are all lovey-dovey again. In the recent past, that would be the end of it. Bo has so often said that he has to be a little mad at me to punish. Well, things may be a-changin'! He has assured me that I am still going to be punished because he loves me and it is for my own good. Wow! I'm not sure I ever thought I would hear those words come from his mouth. Nothing has happened yet because our sweetie is still awake, but I really do feel that this time, he means it!

Stress Relief

2009-06-12T18:56:00.000-07:00

I haven't had the nerve yet to ask Bo for a stress relief spanking although I've wanted to quite a few times. The next two weeks promise to be very stressful as I have a major project deadline coming up. And, being the person that I am, procrastination is biting me in the ass. Now would be the perfect time to ask for a pre-emptive strike (pun intended :) But Bo has only recently become comfortable enough with punishment/reminder spankings. He has admitted that he has a hard time spanking if he isn't at least a little mad at me. And. I'm not sure he would "get" how a spanking would help me relieve stress.

So, I am wondering if it would be more stressful than helpful to try to discuss this with Bo right now. My motivation is in low gear right now, and I think a stress reliever would get me out of my funk and in to some serious work. I guess I will take it day by day to see how crazy I get in the next few days. Bo may just get mad enough to be more than willing to help me relieve my (and his) stress!

Go Forth!

2009-06-09T20:28:00.000-07:00

Because we are still so new at this DD thing, I tend to get worried about whether we are doing things "right," or if we are still on track. And every time the anxiety kicks it up a notch, Bo and I end up closer than ever.

This weekend, I had been feeling just blah. There really wasn't anything I could point to that would explain why I was feeling this way. I tried talking to Bo about it, but my inner witch came out quickly; things went south in a hurry. I really do wish I had the ability to self-edit, but me, not so much :( So, Bo, in his wisdom, goes to our implement drawer and brings back the flyswatter. Now, this probably doesn't sound like much of an implement to seasoned DD veterans, but this flyswatter is thick and heavy. And boy does it pack a wallop! For the first time, I was reaching around trying to cover my rear end. Bo has been so skittish about leaving marks, but this weekend, it seems he has gotten over that. At one point, he stopped spanking, and I tried to get up. He just said, "Uh uh, I'm not done yet." Shocked doesn't even begin to describe what I was thinking at the moment! So, I did end up with a few marks that were gone by today. We have moved forward in our journey, and I think we both feel more confident about DD with each step we take :)

So worth it!

2009-05-24T19:55:00.000-07:00

I can certainly answer my own question about DD now. After a few weeks of avoiding the issue, I became sort of ambivalent about DD. Bo had been so good about listening to me, and then he seemed to get busy and not really have time for DD discussions, much less spanking, anymore.I'll admit that I took this personally, like he was rejecting not only Dd but me as well. In my heart, I knew I didn't want us to give up on domestic discipline, but how could I force something on another person??

And then, the breakthrough happened :) Let's just say that I was not controlling my emotions well, and basically had a temper tantrum that any 2 year old would be proud of. That's when Bo proved to me that he really was on board with DD. In one afternoon, I got two spankings, the first of which I really fought. I did have thoughts going through my mind about how he wasn't going to do this to me, I had a right to be angry, etc. In the end (hee, hee), after we discussed my behavior, I admitted how much I needed for him to be the strong one, the leader, for me. I'm so thankful that he pushed through spanking me even when I was fighting it. Later that evening, we had the best discussion about DD that we have ever had. I know we are on the same team again, and that I will be held accountable for my actions.

Life doesn't get much better than this!

Wondering

2009-05-08T18:36:00.000-07:00

I never realized that there are so many things to think about when trying to work on a DD relationship. Is he still o.k. with DD? Do I really want this? How much work does this really take? And, finally, the ultimate question-Is DD worth it? So far, without a doubt, it has been worth it. The alternative is to go back to the wayt things were before, and that is just not an option.

Time

2009-04-15T08:34:00.000-07:00

Bo and I have had very little time to talk about our everyday situations lately, much less DD. I know this hurts the consistency of trying to make DD a regular part of our marriage. And, for a couple of weeks, I worried about our lack of time together. We still aren't to the point that we can discuss DD issues easily except in a joking manner. I'm so glad we have even gotten to that point. But, I know without having a consistent time to talk, domestic discipline will remain on the fringe.

We had originally set up Saturday night as our "talk" night. Well, you know what they say about Murphy and all that. As soon as we set a specific night, things started happening. Two weeks ago, Bo was out of town on the weekend. Last week, he had a major paper due on Monday for one of his classes. He was stressed about it, and I didn't push when he totally forgot about our talking time. These were legitimate reasons not to discuss issues, but if we keep letting things get in the way, I feel like the closeness we've begun to enjoy in recent weeks will get lost in the busyness. But I don't want to come across as a nagging wife.

As far as as I know, we don't have any plans this weekend. I'm determined that we get some "us" time on Saturday.

Getting There

2009-04-06T12:38:00.000-07:00

Like so many others new to the DD lifestyle, I feel like for every step forward that Bo and i take, we take two or three backward. I have this terrible habit of not being able to enjoy the jouney and just wanting the reach the destination. That WILL NOT work with DD! It is a journey that will take many forms during our years together. Why can't I get that through my head??

Emotions

2009-03-27T12:52:00.000-07:00

The beginnings of our DD lifestyle have been full of emotions for both my husband and I. Now that it is something that we do more than talk about, the changes are becoming more evident. But, change is hard and usually requires quite a bit of time. As someone who isn't an overly patient person, I have already found myself trying to move three steps ahead on our DD journey. Impatience and frustration are emotions I am well acquainted with. I know I am going to have to work hard at allowing DD to grow in our marriage.

With all this talk of impatience, you would think ambivalence, doubt, and uncertainty would not be emotions that surface often, but I have been surprised at how precarious our DD relationship seems sometimes. When I'm truly angry, I want to resort back to my old way of "handling" things which obviously didn't work well. But I know how to do that; it's safe. And although I brought the idea of this lifestyle to my husband, I still fight the changes. How weird is that?

I haven't really gotten to discuss in detail how Bo feels about DD so far. We talk and even make jokes about it. It has become more comfortable for both of us. But, deep down, I am sure there are many emotions that stir around in Dh's heart and mind as well.

Emotions are at the heart of who we are. For me, the difficult emotions associated with DD, no matter how hard they are to deal with at the time, are so worth it when Bo and I can both truthfully say that we are closer than ever.

Finally!

2009-03-18T13:22:00.001-07:00

2009-03-15T09:48:00.000-07:00

I've not done any of the wonderful meme's I've seen on several blogs, but I really liked this one. I found it on Hermione's Heart. Thanks for posting it!

1. What curse word do you use the most? - I would say the damn is the most common curse word I use. It just tends to slip out without me having to even think about it.

.2. Do you own an ipod? no, but now that I've taken up jogging, I really want one!

No3. What person on your f-list do you talk to the most? - What's an f-list? Is that related to question #1? I just kept Hermione's answer here. I have no idea what an "F" list is-I;m guessing maybe "family?"

4. What time is your alarm clock set to? - Six a.m.

5. Do you still remember the first person you kissed? - Yes, it was a person that I didn't know very well, but we had had a nice date.

Do you remember where you were on September 11th, 2001? -I was teaching. Several of the teachers and I watched it on the t.v. in the teacher's lounge.

7. Would you rather take the picture or be in the picture? - Take it, no doubt!

8. What was the last movie you watched? - Race to Witch Mountain with my husband and daughter. It ws good, but I like the original better.

9. Do any of your friends have children? - Yes

10. Has anyone ever called you lazy? - Yes, my father used to think I was lazy. He never really understood women though.

. Do you ever take medication to help you fall asleep? - I;ve used Ambien before, but I think I would get hooked pretty quickly.

. What CD is currently in your CD player? - Unfortunately, Hannah Montana-my daughter just loves her!

. Do you prefer regular or chocolate milk? - chocolate

14 . Has anyone told you a secret this week? - Yes, my mom.

15. When was the last time you had Starbucks? - A few weeks ago, but it wasn't coffee, it was tea.

16 . Can you whistle? - no

17. What is the first thing you notice about the opposite sex? - eyes and voice

18. What are you looking forward to? - Spring Break!

.19. Did you watch cartoons as a child? - Yes

20. Do you own any band t-shirts? - no

21. What will you be doing in one hour? - Hopefully, sleeping

22. Is anyone in love with you? - I hope my husband is

23. What was the last song you heard? - "Best of Both Worlds"

24. Last time you cried? - yesterday

25. Desktop computer or a laptop? - Desktop and laptop

26. Are you currently wanting any piercings or tattoos? - No

27. What's the weather like? - cool and rainy

28. Would you ever date a girl/guy covered in tattoos? - No

29. What did you do before this? - ate lunch)

30. When is the last time you slept on the floor? - I don't remember

.31. How many hours of sleep do you need to function? - 6-7

32 . Do you eat breakfast daily? - sometimes

33. Are your days fast-paced? - frequently, yes

.34. What did you do last night? - Watched t.v. with my husband

35. Do you use sarcasm? - Hell, yes!

36. How old will you be turning on your next birthday? - 43

37. Are you picky about spelling and grammar? - very much so

38. Have you ever been to Six Flags? - many times

39. Do you get along better with the same sex or the opposite sex? - Both equally. It really depends on the individual.

40. Do you like mustard? - Yes, honey dijon, and most other kinds

.41. Do you sleep on your side? - Yes, part of the time

42. Do you watch the news? - sometimes

42. How did you get one of your scars? -I fell on a cactus

.44. Who was the last person to make you mad? - My husband, but it wasn't a big deal.

. Please feel free to enjoy this meme on your blog.

2009-03-15T09:44:00.000-07:00

Well, I finally get to post that we've done it. Our first spanking that is. My husband and I practiced (for lack of a better word) last night. Since it was our first time, he was not nearly as heavy-handed as I think he may be in the future. I expected the whole thing to be awkward and embarrassing for us both, but it wasn't. He did lecture, and he had truly been angry at me for a couple of things this week. Afterward, we talked about it. Amazingly, he seems entirely too comfortable with his role as a spanker already. Sometimes that old adage, "You better be careful what you wish for" can be all too true! But it was a wonderful bonding time for us. I would say that our D/D relationship is of to a great start!

2009-03-06T16:11:00.001-08:00

I was thinking about my last post. I guess, technically, DH and I have had a first spanking, but not a punishment one. But I might be less than 24 hours away from that first one. Tomorrow, our child has a sleepover. A whole evening for us! And, I've already made a date with DH. He knows that I want to spend more time talking about our beginning D/D relationship. But the way he has been acting the last few days, I have a feeling that talking won't be all that we do!

I will continue to see my outside disciplinarian while we get our D/D relationship going. BTW, I haven't mentioned this, but my disciplinarian is a she. That is the only way DH would let me do this. I'm so glad I did finally express to him that what I actually hoped for is a HOH-D/D relationship. ANd, having an outside disciplinarian has been a key step in that process. he has seen firsthand how much calmer and less stressed I am after a spanking. The problem is, she lives quite a way. I've only managed to be spanked 4 times in the last 5 months. And this is where Dh is really stepping in. He has already seen such a change in me, and I've seen him change too. He has become much more assertive and has willingly taken on more of a leadership role in our marriage. Thankfully, my current disciplinarian fully supports our new lifestyle. She's in a D/D relationship herself (as the spanker, of course). And she has been very helpful to both of us in helping us to get started.

I've said before how much I appreciate my husband for his willingness to accept me as I am and to come out of his comfort zone to provide what I need. What I hadn't counted on is just how quickly he would embrace D/D. Makes me wonder if he really was vanilla after all!
I

2009-02-26T20:39:00.000-08:00

So, I've not been back on here in a while. It's amazing how fast life catches up with you!.

My husband, (I'll just call him dh, for dear husband) is still very willing for us to give D/D a try. I know he understands the importance of at least trying this lifestyle for me. But, we continue to be frustrated by life just getting in the way. Many evenings, we are both too tired to even think of spanking (hard to beleive, I know!) Other times, our child needs and deserves attention that takes away from mommy and daddy's time together. When I first considered bringing up this sort of lifestyle to dh, I never anticipated that it would be so easy to convince him that this might actually be something that I need and desire, or that it might be something that actually helps our marriage. That part has been far easier than dealing with the distractions of life.

I would truly love to have a "my first spanking" post, but, at the moment, it hasn't happened. I know that time and patience are both important for such a big step in our marriage. At the same time, I don't want to let routines and habits become a barrier to something that I think we both want in this marriage.

2009-02-16T14:17:00.000-08:00

Well, Valentine's Day came and went and no time for play for my husband and I. In fact, I wasn't even here on Valentine's Day. I was enroute to the other type of spanking that is a part of my life-the not very fun kind! Even when I know I have really messed up and actually deserve to be spanked, I so dread this! In fact, I was so nervous that I almost skipped it. But, I did show up, and it wasn't so bad. It probably should have been worse, but I think my nerves were very obvious. I don't know for sure that my anxiety made a difference, but I think it did. Even so, I'll be sore for a couple of days, and dear one will have to wait again. But I've got plans for a special night to come.

2009-02-12T14:17:00.000-08:00

So, I'm getting a discipline spanking this weekend, and, for the first time, I'm really nervous. I really don't want this type of spanking. I guess that proves that it is working as a deterrent to misbehavior for me.

On the positive side, my husband is getting more and more open to the idea of spanking me. He does acknowledge how much more peaceful and cooperative I am when I am being held accountable for my actions. Now that he knows that spanking is a part of my life that I want to keep, he's willing to explore this just for me. Thank God for a man like my sweetheart! Oh, and Happy Anniversary to us. I hope we have time for some spanking play tonight!

2009-01-28T13:50:00.000-08:00

Although it happened in a way I wouldn't have imagined, my husband has shown me that he has definitely been thinking about a domestic discipline relationship. Last Friday I was in a very bad mood-you know, one of "those" days! I was really being bitchy to my husband and my child. Finally, hubby had had enough. He grabbed me by the arm and dragged me into the kitchen, away from our child. Before I could say anything, he turned me around and gave me several hard swats on my rear. Needless to say, I was shocked. He then told me to go to my room, and I did. later, we talked about it, and he confessed that he felt guilty about it. I let him know that I thought he had absolutely done the right thing. For the first time in a long time, our fight didn't escalate to the point of no return. I was able to cool off and so was my sweety. I really think he is getting it now. And, I couldn't be more thrilled!

Hopefully?

2009-01-14T16:50:00.001-08:00

An interesting thing happened tonight. My husband I and were in the kitchen both lamenting about the stress of our work week. With our little daughter still up, one obvious form of stress relief was just not possible. So, I said, pouting, that I needed some tension relief. The next thing I know, my dear husband slaps me on the rear. He said, "There, it was playful and not painful, but I think it's our first breakthrough." After getting over the shock, I hugged him and told him that was just what I needed, and I meant it. He's trying, and that's all I can ask for right now. I see many delightful evenings in our future, though-after our daughter is in bed, of course!

New Year, New Thoughts?

2009-01-07T18:23:00.000-08:00

Thank you so much to all the bloggers that I follow! I've found so many good things about domestic discipline to show my husband. And, he's slowly catching on to the idea. After reading yet another carefully chosen articles, he finally said ,"O.K., maybe I will spank you." Truly, that's music to a spanko's ears!

I want to be patient and let him decide for himself that this is right for us. Patience is so hard though when you've waited so long to admit this need already. I definitely don't want to push him away or cause any problems with our marriage. But, I feel much more hopeful now. Instead of weeks or months, maybe I've only got days to wait now. And I intend to show my husband how truly grateful I am that he is a man confident enough with his life that he isn't afraid to try something out of his comfort zone.

Starting the New Year with a bang!

2009-01-03T13:42:00.000-08:00

Since I am still fairly new at this spanking thing, I am beginning to realize that I've learned a few things the hard way. I started 2009 with a spanking for discipline-I knew that wasn't going to be fun! But I had really let myself down in a couple of areas, one in particular, that needed to be addressed quickly. Well, I now understand the benefits of a warm up. Because this was strictly for punishment, I was paddled with no warm up. I had no idea how much that would hurt! The belt came out for the first time too. I've never had a particular aversion to the belt, but it's a whole different story when you hear that belt snap in someone's hand and know it will soon be snapping on your bottom. I will say, I still think the wooden paddle hurt much worse.

Disciplinary spankings do work for me; I'm more focused and less stressed. I know what not to do in the future, and, more importantly, what will happen if I do.

Brand Spanking New Year

2008-12-31T10:10:00.000-08:00

Well, at least I'm hoping for a spanking New year. I know that my husband is catching on to the idea. We've had a few hopeful discussions lately. However, realistically, we do have a major obstacle-our sweet daughter. Lately, it seems we have precious little time just to talk much less to do anything else! I know that other couples face this issue as well. What I don't know is what seems to work best. I wonder what other creative couples have done to handle this issue?

I am really looking forward to our 9th anniversary in February. I don't know where we will go, but I've been promised some uninterrupted, and hopefully not quiet, time for our anniversary. If we don't have the chance to get to spank before then, I have high hopes that we will have some play time then!

Oh, I do have a disciplinary spanking coming up-probably next week. Now that one, I'm NOT looking forward to. Punishment spanking just plain hurt, usually for days afterward, too.

Holiday Longings

2008-12-26T15:24:00.000-08:00

The holidays are great for the most part. It is usually my favorite part of the year. Playing Santa for my daughter is so much fun! Her wish list grows longer each year.

Adults have wish lists as well, and nothing on my list would be in Santa's bag :) But this time of year is also very busy. There isn't much time for adults to play. So, I'm still holding on to my wish list. It will have to taken care of after the holidays. Oh, and my husband has his own wish list that I'm sure I can help with too.

My next spanking is getting closer. I just wonder if it will be a discipline spanking or something more "fun?"

Anticipation

2008-12-19T11:40:00.000-08:00

Waiting for a spanking is harder than it seems. Sometimes, when I know I will be getting spanked in a short time, conflicting emotions threaten to burst forth at any moment. Of course, there is the part of anticipation that I enjoy-knowing I am going to be spanked and feel guilt free, at least for a while. But the subtle fear is there as well. Oh, I know my disciplinarian would never cause severe physical harm, but because I am putting myself in her hands (literally), I guess my nervousness centers around loss of control. And yet, that is exactly what I seek. As someone who is used to being in control, I love being able to have someone to take a little of the burden from me.

Now, I'm also really looking forward to the first , more erotic spanking that I will share with my husband. We've had a few discussions, and he seems to be coming around. I certainly hope so. Spanking has so many facets, and I would love to be able experience spanking in several capacities. I can say with absolute certainty, that while dear husband has not yet warmed my bottom, the discipline I've received has already helped our marriage. And he would be the first to agree!

2008-12-14T13:56:00.000-08:00

I've been perusing spanking blogs lately, and I'm really impressed with what is out there. In fact, I'm a little jealous. While nothing much on the spanking front is going on in my world, other people seem to getting just what they need-and more! I'm a couple of weeks away from seeing my disciplinarian, and that spanking will not be something to look forward to.

My dear husband and I have been so busy that I haven't had the time yet to sit down with him and tell him what I really need in our relationship. I keep thinking that we will get the time after the holidays, but I know I'll have to just make the time-it's that important to me. Luckily, I've found several sites and blogs that say much more eloquently than I can how some women feel about spanking in a marriage. I know my husband will be open to what I have to say, but I don't want him to be too uncomfortable. Has anyone else faced this problem? How did it work out?

2008-12-08T20:06:00.000-08:00

Well, I've just heard from my disciplinarian again, and she isn't too pleased. For one thing, I was late with a promised email. And I've hit a wall with several other things as well. Looks like it time for session number two as soon as the holidays are over. While just thinking about it makes me nervous, I'm also really glad that someone is holding me accountable for my transgressions, big and small. One day, I hope it will be my husband. I am certainly not going to give up on a D/d relationship. In so many ways, I know my husband would be great as the leader of our household. I've seen a lot of changes in him this past year that seem to be leading him in that direction too. But, for now, I'm glad I have someone to provide discipline when the need arises. Well, I'm glad now, anyway. In the days and hours leading up to my next session, the trepidation will outweigh the guilt for a while, but the end result will be a clean slate, a new start. And each time, I am getting closer to being the person I really want to be.

Getting dear husband on board

2008-12-08T14:52:00.000-08:00

So, I'm wondering how I can convince my husband that spanking can be a a very worthwhile part of our relationship. He's a very easy person to talk to, and he knows all about my spanking interests, including my blog. In fact, he is interested in reading it. Hmm, maybe that is a good way to get him on board.

2008-12-06T16:02:00.000-08:00

Although I am new to spanking at this point in my life, I actually had my first adult spanking experience in college. Shortly after I transferred to a new university, I met another student who lived in my dorm. We just clicked as friends. From the beginning, I thought she was rather motherly for such a young girl (we were both in our early twenties). What I really admired about her was that she seemed to be so self-confident and goal-oriented. Having grown up in a family with in which disorganization and chaos was the norm, finding someone who seemed so different seemed appealing. Now, just to be clear, this was not a sexual attraction. Guys have always been my thing. But I wanted to be like her. One night, I got up the courage to ask her how she was so organized and did so well in school. She told me about her family life and how her parents were very loving but strict with discipline, especially spanking. My parents weren't spankers at all. She wanted to know if I had ever really had anyone to hold me accountable. Well, that was easy to answer-no! And I certainly hadn't come into the world with a great deal of self-discipline apparently. So, my friend asked me if I would be interested in being held accountable for my poor choices. Of course, my first question was, how? She suggested that we talk about what had happened during each day after dinner. If she felt that I had made a misguided choice or shown poor judgement, , then she would punish me just like her parents did. When it dawned on me what she meant, I was apprehensive at first. But, she was offering something that I knew I needed. And so, I was soon to learn what a real spanking was like.

The next day was a good one for me. I met with my friend, we talked, and then I went back to my room to study. Well, that was my intent anyway. On the way to my room, another friend asked me to go shopping with her. That sounded like a lot more fun than studying for a test. After all, my grade was good in this class, and I knew the material pretty well. So, I went shopping. Of course, I got back too late to study. However, I did well on the test,so no harm, right? Absolutely wrong, according to my friend the next night. She explained that over time, this pattern of behavior could really cause problems. (Is it any surprise that she is a clinical psychiatrist today?!) We were sitting on her bed, and abruptly, she stood up and told me to take my pants off. O.K., now this was getting weird, but strangely, I did it. She sat back down, and told me to lie over her lap. I still don't know why I did it. She let me keep my underwear on, but I was still very embarrassed for, oh, about 30 seconds. She started spanking me, and I was surprised at how much it hurt! I also expected it to be over quickly. No such luck! She was very thorough. But, more than that, after, the spanking, she gave me a lecture like I had never had before. She made it clear that she wouldn't put up with irresponsibility.
Believe me, for once in my life, I thought about the consequences of my actions before making rash decisions. She continued to spank me as needed during the next two years. Without a doubt, her influence made a very positive difference in my life.

2008-11-25T13:33:00.000-08:00

So I'm due for my next session, or so my disciplinarian says :) I feel ambivalent about it. Seeing mydisciplinarian in person is great for the conversation we share, but the actual spanking-ouch!!! After my first session, I had bruises for a week. Now, I tend to bruise easily, but that first session was a little more than I expected. Now, at least I know what I'm trying to avoid. That first session did do a lot for my ability to monitor my behavior. Even my husband has made remarks about my changed nature. Disciplinary spankings are NOT fun in any way.

I am starting to understand that spanking can be a part of two worlds though. While I want to avoid a punishment spanking, I'm growing to really want spanking to be a part of the erotic side of my life. My husband is really enjoying the fringe benefits of my interest in spanking. So far, we haven't gotten round to him spanking me yet, but I am hopeful for the future. A few months ago, I could not have imagined that I would ever be able to share my love of spanking with my husband. Now, I can see it being a part of both our lives. Who knows, maybe his inner spanko will emerge!

2008-11-22T07:24:00.000-08:00

So, I want a spanking-bad! Unfortunately, vanilla husband is sick right now. I think he is willing to try to spank me when he feels better. I've had an offer recently from a man who lives near my hometown. I'll be there next week because of Thanksgiving. I'll admit, I'm really tempted. But, I have avoided a spanking from a man other than my husband because I know he wouldn't be comfortable with that. But, that's hard for me. I do not have any desire for anyone other than my husband, but I NEED a spanking. What's a girl to do?

relationships and discipline

2008-11-20T16:10:00.000-08:00

So I am finding that my relationships with significant people are being very affected by my foray into adult discipline. Certain ones were part of the deal from the beginning. In fact, one of the reasons that I finally admitted that I need a good spanking as an adult is the childish and selfish behavior I had been displaying to my own wonderful husband and sweet daughter. Finding a disciplinarian who would help me become the wife and mother I knew I wanted to be was foremost in my mind at the start of this spanking journey. Thankfully, I found the perfect one! She understood the need to be absolved of past sins and to grow as a stronger person. And grow I have!

Recently, I am also finding that spanking for play and even as a turn on is beginning to become a factor in my relationship with my husband. I am grateful that my mostly vanilla husband accepts this quirk of mine. What I hope is that one day he will share it.

2008-11-13T13:55:00.000-08:00

This foray into the spanking world has come as a surprise to me in many ways. First, I never thought I would really have the wherewithal to actually seek out and participate in such a hidden world. Perhaps even more surprising to me though, is how much I have enjoyed throwing off my vanilla ways and embracing a lifestyle that seems meant for me.

New to the Adult Discipline World

2008-11-12T12:31:00.000-08:00

I've just started this journey that I've really been on all my life. O.K., I know that doesn't seem to make sense. I guess I should say I've finally acknowledged that journey. It's not mainstream and still seems a little naughty to me, but, it is finally part of my life-adult discipline, that is.

This summer, it finally hit home that I had been seeking corporal discipline almost all my life. My family life, growing up, was normal and boring for the most part. My parents did not spank or provide other discipline very much either. I remember feeling lost without guidance as a child. Luckily for me, I met someone in college who helped me get on the discipline track before I completely messed up my life. I will always be grateful to this person.

I am now a happily married woman with a child. My husband, bless him, is somewhat open to my needs. He supports my disciplinary relationship which seems miraculous to me. I am hoping that , over time, he and I will develop more of a domestic discipline relationship. But for now, I am going elsewhere, with his blessing.

So recently, I've entered into a discipline relationship with another person. I'll say that it has seemed both slow and remarkably fast at the same time. In fact, the surreal feelings are almost always there. Because this has been a need for so long, I think I almost don't believe it myself that I have finally found a way and a person to meet this need.

Since I've only been in one session, I don't feel that I know that much yet. I am finding that, for me, the emails, IM's and discussions mean as much to me as the spanking. Of course, I've only had one adult spanking in the last 20 years, so it will probably come to mean much more. Certainly, I think more about what I do and say before I just impulsively make decisions now. And that much has changed in only a few months.

So, my first session was much different than I expected in some ways. Like all new spankees, probably, I spent time in the days before in fear and nervousness, anticipating something that seemed almost out of the realm of reality. It is hard not to build something up too much in your mind especially if you don't know what to expect. On the appointed day, I arrived and we spent quite a while talking, about family, the past and my issues. (On a side note, I am beginning to hate the word "issues." It makes me feel like I am somehow defective.) After our discussion, it was time. Believe me, anxiety doesn't even begin to touch what I felt at the moment. I was really hoping I wouldn't throw up. But, there was also a sense of calm and peace. I can't really explain it because it seemed to be internal. While I was simultaneously looking forward to and dreading this moment, I was sure that I was doing the right thing.

In the room, with pants off and standing in the corner, I wouldn't have been at all surprised if music from the "Twilight Zone" started suddenly playing. That was how I felt-completely unreal. At this point I still didn't know what to expect. Soon, however, I heard a quiet voice ask me to turn around and come over. She was sitting in a straight-backed chair that most spankers are oh so familiar with. Since positions had not been discussed, I was a little surprised. In a matter of seconds, I was over her lap with head and hair hanging down, supporting myself precariously with my hands. The vulnerability of the position amazed me. Thankfully, she started slowly and rather light. That didn't last long, however! By the time I was let up to move into another position, I fully remembered what a good spanking felt like! I was then placed face-down on a bed with pillows under my hips. Once again, the vulnerability surprised me since I was not restrained in any way. This time, the spanking was in earnest. I really don't know all the implements that were used, but there were several. Somewhere in the middle of this spanking, I think I found out what sub-space was. For a time, I did feel like I was not really there. It was a strange and yet very peaceful feeling. What a stress reliever! Finally, I was allowed to get up and told to go back to the corner. Subspace abruptly ended. All I could think about in the corner was why I was being spanked and how much my bottom hurt. By this time I was hoping we were done. No such luck! I was called out of the corner, and this time told to bend over a raised table. It was cushioned, so that part wasn't uncomfortable. The rest of it was, though. I was already really sore. This part was somewhat scary because I worried if I could take any more. Well, I found out quickly that I could. This time, I know a strap and a cane were used. In fact, the session ended with the cane. I was not expecting that. Since I was a newbie, I kind of expected to be treated more lightly. It was not to be. When it was over, she left the room, so I could get dressed. I spent a few moments in silence focusing on the pain in my rear. That pain actually helped me to relinquish long held feelings of guilt, and to feel that I could start over now. Cleansing would be the best word I could use to describe the experience at the end. Am I glad I finally sought what I had been looking for? You bet! This is one journey that will continue.