Tuesday, November 25, 2008

So I'm due for my next session, or so my disciplinarian says :) I feel ambivalent about it. Seeing mydisciplinarian in person is great for the conversation we share, but the actual spanking-ouch!!! After my first session, I had bruises for a week. Now, I tend to bruise easily, but that first session was a little more than I expected. Now, at least I know what I'm trying to avoid. That first session did do a lot for my ability to monitor my behavior. Even my husband has made remarks about my changed nature. Disciplinary spankings are NOT fun in any way.

I am starting to understand that spanking can be a part of two worlds though. While I want to avoid a punishment spanking, I'm growing to really want spanking to be a part of the erotic side of my life. My husband is really enjoying the fringe benefits of my interest in spanking. So far, we haven't gotten round to him spanking me yet, but I am hopeful for the future. A few months ago, I could not have imagined that I would ever be able to share my love of spanking with my husband. Now, I can see it being a part of both our lives. Who knows, maybe his inner spanko will emerge!

Saturday, November 22, 2008

So, I want a spanking-bad! Unfortunately, vanilla husband is sick right now. I think he is willing to try to spank me when he feels better. I've had an offer recently from a man who lives near my hometown. I'll be there next week because of Thanksgiving. I'll admit, I'm really tempted. But, I have avoided a spanking from a man other than my husband because I know he wouldn't be comfortable with that. But, that's hard for me. I do not have any desire for anyone other than my husband, but I NEED a spanking. What's a girl to do?

Thursday, November 20, 2008

relationships and discipline

So I am finding that my relationships with significant people are being very affected by my foray into adult discipline. Certain ones were part of the deal from the beginning. In fact, one of the reasons that I finally admitted that I need a good spanking as an adult is the childish and selfish behavior I had been displaying to my own wonderful husband and sweet daughter. Finding a disciplinarian who would help me become the wife and mother I knew I wanted to be was foremost in my mind at the start of this spanking journey. Thankfully, I found the perfect one! She understood the need to be absolved of past sins and to grow as a stronger person. And grow I have!

Recently, I am also finding that spanking for play and even as a turn on is beginning to become a factor in my relationship with my husband. I am grateful that my mostly vanilla husband accepts this quirk of mine. What I hope is that one day he will share it.

Thursday, November 13, 2008

This foray into the spanking world has come as a surprise to me in many ways. First, I never thought I would really have the wherewithal to actually seek out and participate in such a hidden world. Perhaps even more surprising to me though, is how much I have enjoyed throwing off my vanilla ways and embracing a lifestyle that seems meant for me.

Wednesday, November 12, 2008

New to the Adult Discipline World

I've just started this journey that I've really been on all my life. O.K., I know that doesn't seem to make sense. I guess I should say I've finally acknowledged that journey. It's not mainstream and still seems a little naughty to me, but, it is finally part of my life-adult discipline, that is.

This summer, it finally hit home that I had been seeking corporal discipline almost all my life. My family life, growing up, was normal and boring for the most part. My parents did not spank or provide other discipline very much either. I remember feeling lost without guidance as a child. Luckily for me, I met someone in college who helped me get on the discipline track before I completely messed up my life. I will always be grateful to this person.

I am now a happily married woman with a child. My husband, bless him, is somewhat open to my needs. He supports my disciplinary relationship which seems miraculous to me. I am hoping that , over time, he and I will develop more of a domestic discipline relationship. But for now, I am going elsewhere, with his blessing.

So recently, I've entered into a discipline relationship with another person. I'll say that it has seemed both slow and remarkably fast at the same time. In fact, the surreal feelings are almost always there. Because this has been a need for so long, I think I almost don't believe it myself that I have finally found a way and a person to meet this need.

Since I've only been in one session, I don't feel that I know that much yet. I am finding that, for me, the emails, IM's and discussions mean as much to me as the spanking. Of course, I've only had one adult spanking in the last 20 years, so it will probably come to mean much more. Certainly, I think more about what I do and say before I just impulsively make decisions now. And that much has changed in only a few months.

So, my first session was much different than I expected in some ways. Like all new spankees, probably, I spent time in the days before in fear and nervousness, anticipating something that seemed almost out of the realm of reality. It is hard not to build something up too much in your mind especially if you don't know what to expect. On the appointed day, I arrived and we spent quite a while talking, about family, the past and my issues. (On a side note, I am beginning to hate the word "issues." It makes me feel like I am somehow defective.) After our discussion, it was time. Believe me, anxiety doesn't even begin to touch what I felt at the moment. I was really hoping I wouldn't throw up. But, there was also a sense of calm and peace. I can't really explain it because it seemed to be internal. While I was simultaneously looking forward to and dreading this moment, I was sure that I was doing the right thing.

In the room, with pants off and standing in the corner, I wouldn't have been at all surprised if music from the "Twilight Zone" started suddenly playing. That was how I felt-completely unreal. At this point I still didn't know what to expect. Soon, however, I heard a quiet voice ask me to turn around and come over. She was sitting in a straight-backed chair that most spankers are oh so familiar with. Since positions had not been discussed, I was a little surprised. In a matter of seconds, I was over her lap with head and hair hanging down, supporting myself precariously with my hands. The vulnerability of the position amazed me. Thankfully, she started slowly and rather light. That didn't last long, however! By the time I was let up to move into another position, I fully remembered what a good spanking felt like! I was then placed face-down on a bed with pillows under my hips. Once again, the vulnerability surprised me since I was not restrained in any way. This time, the spanking was in earnest. I really don't know all the implements that were used, but there were several. Somewhere in the middle of this spanking, I think I found out what sub-space was. For a time, I did feel like I was not really there. It was a strange and yet very peaceful feeling. What a stress reliever! Finally, I was allowed to get up and told to go back to the corner. Subspace abruptly ended. All I could think about in the corner was why I was being spanked and how much my bottom hurt. By this time I was hoping we were done. No such luck! I was called out of the corner, and this time told to bend over a raised table. It was cushioned, so that part wasn't uncomfortable. The rest of it was, though. I was already really sore. This part was somewhat scary because I worried if I could take any more. Well, I found out quickly that I could. This time, I know a strap and a cane were used. In fact, the session ended with the cane. I was not expecting that. Since I was a newbie, I kind of expected to be treated more lightly. It was not to be. When it was over, she left the room, so I could get dressed. I spent a few moments in silence focusing on the pain in my rear. That pain actually helped me to relinquish long held feelings of guilt, and to feel that I could start over now. Cleansing would be the best word I could use to describe the experience at the end. Am I glad I finally sought what I had been looking for? You bet! This is one journey that will continue.